EGYPTIAN SECTION OF DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY EXPELLED FOR INAPPROPRIATE TYPE OF HEAD GEAR

EGYPTIAN SECTION OF DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY EXPELLED FOR INAPPROPRIATE TYPE OF HEAD GEAR

Thanks to photographic evidence obtained by Flat Capatier"Basher Hurley", the executive committee have had no option other than to expel the Egyptian section from the society.

The photo's clearly show that insufficient respect has been shown by the middle eastern flat cappers, and their exclusion from the society was ensured on publication of the attached pictures.

It is believed that Basher Hurley entered the country disguised as a Nubian peasant, being dropped by parachutte in to the Cairo suburbs by a former unnamed RAF collegue.

"DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY " GOLF TRIP SCANDAL !

"DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY " GOLF TRIP SCANDAL !

Recent events have left certain members of the Duck flat cap society somewhat dumbfounded if not just a little unsettled.

Although a well earned trip to the Iberian peninsula had been pencilled in to the forthcoming agenda of the society, it is only in recent week's that final preparations have taken place and a venue secured.

At a recent meeting of the Duck Flat Cap Society's Golf subsection,the trip was discussed at length by the "Golf" sub section of the "Consumption Committee". It was unanimously agreed that although "Driver Chard of El Hadji Douife"would not be attending the Iberian event, he would still hold the post of "Society Golf Cart Driver".This would of course inconvenience those attending, but it was agreed, all be it by a small majority of members, that the sacrifice was acceptable in view of the outrage that would be felt by "the Chard" if he was overlooked.

However, it has now been confirmed that the post of "Golf Cart Driver"will now be filled by the semi alcoholic "Little Les the plumber" a part time plumber, failed ladies man and ex regular of the Duck, Red Lion and Stringfellows.

It is thought that he has recently stumbled across a substantial amount of Spanish peseta's that were the result of nefarious visits to the Costa Del crime during the early eighties. These funds had been deposited in one of his numerous properties, and due to constant use of alcohol and drugs he had forgotten all about the stash, until a couple of days off the source cleared his mind, and enabled him to recover the cash. After establishing that the peseta's could be exchanged for Euro's, the diminutive part time plumber and failed ladies man retired to the duck.

At a recent sub meeting of the Golf Section, it was mentioned that the committee was running short of funds, and at this prompt the small and engaging part time plumber offered to attend the event and supply the committee with funding for the foreseeable future. This was too much for the committee to miss, and a deal was soon struck resulting in his inclusion on the tour. His only wish was to be driver of the Golf Buggies, and thus this position was wrenched from Driver Chard, and unceremoniously passed to the minuscule plumber.

This news has been greeted by expressions of disbelief by the committee, and yet again members are threatening to walk away from the society. However, as with previous threats to leave, it is believed by many that after the dust settles on this sad affair, each and every member will remain ensconced in their usual seats, discussing the events of the day.

PHONE HACKING INTRIGUE AT THE DUCK

PHONE HACKING INTRIGUE AT THE DUCK

Unsubstantiated reports have reached this writer of a phone hacking outrage at a suburban public house on the borders of Harrow Weald, Belmont and Stanmore.

It has allegedly been reported that mobile phones belonging to members of the august and venerable group known as the “Duck Flat Cap Society”, have been “Hacked” by an unknown person or agency.

It has been strongly suggested by those in the know, that the nefarious activity is the work of a subversive renegade group known as “The Lancashire Socialist Commando Battalion”, who have close links with the outlawed “Eckee Thump Brigade”.

The northern groups are known to object to members of the Duck Flat Cap Society adopting the flat cap as their emblem and badge, stating that “those southern softy namby pamby cockneys are betraying the sacred flatty”.

For a number of years it has been rumoured that the “Duck Flat Cap Society “ has been infiltrated by one or more of these embittered men, although to date there has been no positive proof. In fact, those members who have indeed migrated to the south for economic and sexual reasons, have shown only a slight preference for northern ale and only occasional slip in to the native vernacular of their homeland.

“Chelsea Duck “a founding member of the society, has allegedly burst a blood vessel on being told of the suspected mobile hacking and is threatening to walk away from the Duck. This threat must be taking as debatable, as Chelsea has not shown any preference to vacate his favoured seat for many years. Indeed not since an earlier incident involving an antique painting, has “Chelsea” felt it advisable to down his ale in another hostelry. Chelsea has resolved to wear his flat cap at all times in fierce defiance of “The Lancashire Socialist Commando Battalion” or their sister group, the “Eckee Thump Brigade”.

It is also alleged that “Bazza Duck” has threatened to track down the interlopers and personally take his own revenge on those involved. This is a more substantial threat, as he is known to vent his ire at the slightest event, and a verbal landslide is sure to take place as soon as a suspect is apprehended. Indeed, it is most probable that medical assistance will be required if “Bazza Duck” lays his hands on these northern tyrants, before the appropriate forces arrive on the scene.

The other founding members of the “Duck Flat Cap Society” are also watching the every move of each and every member for the slightest slip that may reveal their Allegiance to “The Lancashire Socialist Commando Battalion”.

It is not yet known what the hackers trying to obtain by their nefarious efforts, but the personal conversations of the societies members are thought to include information regarding the annual general meeting of the consumption committee, although this information would be freely available to all members, including the alleged northern infiltrators.

However, it is more likely that they are after hacking the calls of the life time Honoury president “Driver Chard of El Hadji Douiff”, other wise known as “The Chard”, who will not reveal his telephone number, and only converses with those selected to be his confidents. It is known that the “Chard” regularly releases secrete information regarding his golf swing to certain members of the society, and it is believed that it is this information that the hackers seek.

We await further developments, and a further report will appear shortly.

MYSOGYNY STALKS THE DUCK

MISOGYNY STALKS THE DUCK

Unconfirmed reports are suggesting that a serious outbreak of Misogyny is taking place at the Duck.

Although unconfirmed, it is currently believed that a self styled "Northern" section of the highly popular "Duck Flat Cap Society", have been recorded uttering what are believed to be strongly worded misogynous statements.

A reliable source has reported that they have a recording of a prominent member of this "Northern" contingent stating - "Confound all women" and "A society in which women are taught anything but the management of a family, the care of men, and the creation of the future generation is a society which is on its way out."

It is also believed that the following has also been recorded by a member of staff -"woman - part of each individual as being essentially nothing, and having no real existence, having no effective consciousness or rationality".

These revelations, if true will have a profound effect on the "Flat Cap Society" and an inquest will no doubt be held at the next meeting. This, in all probability will be an extraordinary special meeting of the "Duck Flat Cap" consumption committee, to be chaired by honorary secretary, "Driver Chard of El Haji Diouf" on Thursday of this week.

Further reports will be posted after the impending meeting.

EX SERVICEMAN DONS FLAT CAP TO AVERT CATASTROPHE AT THE DUCK

EX SERVICEMAN DONS FLAT CAP TO AVERT CATASTROPHE AT THE DUCK

Flight Lieutenant Steve “Basher” Hurley, a member of the SAS, Special Boat Service, Royal Marine Commando’s and Royal Parachute Regiment, recently broke cover to assist with a life threatening situation that developed in a suburban public house over the weekend.

During a normal evenings drinking at his local hostelry, Basher became aware that a group of rowdy boisterous revellers were occupying a table near to his own.

Basher Hurley had taken his normal precautions when entering the premises earlier that evening, and had conducted his usual security sweep of the building whilst wearing his standard issue Flat Cap.

His trained eye had noticed the group of happy drinkers celebrating at the adjacent table.

He had mentally acknowledged all those in the building that he knew, and had made a mental note of those whom his memory did not register. He then took his usual seat with his friends who were also members of the close knit “Duck Flat Cap Society”.

His military training allowed him to arrange his seat in such a way that he was able to continue to survey the immediate area whilst enjoying copious amounts of Guinness. His copious drinking was under control although the use of a three pint pitcher as a glass had caused a ripple of whispers amongst his fellow Flat cap wearers.

The evening was drawing to a close when it became clear that the party of revellers who had been seated opposite Flight Lieutenant “Basher” Hurley appeared to be in some bother. A member of the party began to slip below the parapet of the table but was rescued before completely submerging below the wooden table. However, a few moments later it became noticeable to all, that the unfortunate member of the celebrating party had imbibed far too much alcohol, and was struggling to stay seated on his chair.

Minutes later, whilst being assisted through the door of the establishment, he fell and collapsed in the doorway.

Basher Hurley looked up from hid pitcher of Guinness and appraised the situation. He noted that a number of the inebriated party were attending to the prone patient, but that their appeared to be confusion amongst there ranks. A number of other people seated with the Duck Flat Cap Society also noted the situation and rallied to the clarion call for assistance. However, at this stage Basher remained silent and seated.

It was soon being suggested that the patient be lifted from the cold floor and transferred to his residence, which was only a few hundred yards away, by way of carrying his body upon an improvised stretcher, consisting of two pub chairs.

At this stage, Basher Hurley jumped in to action and was soon placing the prone body in to the recovery position. On checking his air passage and pulse it was considered that the patient was stable, but unwise to move at this particular moment in time. As Basher Hurley pondered his next move, the air of the pub resounded with the sound of the last bell. Flight Lieutenant Hurley stood upright in a state of shock , his mind frantically filing through the various options available to him and within an instant turned to those about him and stated -

“Ay up lads. Halt, I must buy a couple of pints as that’s the last bell. Don’t move the patient. I will be back shortly”.

With this Basher Hurley slowly paced across the floor to the bar, and placed his order for two pitchers of Guinness. These were soon poured, and as they settled, he returned to his fellow Flat Cappers awaiting his next sip of the bitter black stout.

Having ensured all was well with the black velvet, he returned to the still prone reveller, and initiated a lifting procedure that resulted in his being able to return to his place of residence without further assistance from the good Flight Lieutenant.

Basher returned to his table and surveyed the scene, slowly swivelling his head, ensuring that his flat cap was not dislodged from his thickly tousled head.

All was now quite and still and the event was over. Hurley swilled the remainder of his pitchers and after gesturing good will to his fellow Flat Cappers, slowly moved the exit and left the premises, acknowledging a job well done.

Moments later he was seated at home and writing up the evenings proceedings in his standard military issue journal, ready for onward submission to his handlers.

This completed he changed his clothing to his camouflage combat pyjamas and donning his standard sleeping Flat Cap, retired to his bed.

THE NEW DUCK

THE DEMISE OF "CARLESBERG".


I AN SORRY TO REPORT THAT THE CORPORATE ENTITY THAT OWNS THE RECENTLY REFURBISHED "DUCK IN THE POND",HAS BETRAYED ITS LOYAL CUSTOMERS BY REMOVING THE EXTREMELY POPULAR LAGER "CARLESBERG" FROM ITS SELECTION OF AVAILABLE DRINKS.

PRESUMABLY, THIS IS BECAUSE THE OWNERS,(NOT THE GUVNOR GARY, WHO HAS HIS HANDS TIED) BELIEVED THAT THE LOW PRICE OF £1.99 WOULD DISCOURAGE PUNTERS FROM PURCHASING THE FAR MORE EXPENSIVE RANGE OF LAGERS THAT ARE NOW AVAILABLE. THE CHEAPEST OF WHICH IS "FOSTERS" THAT COSTS £2.50, ALTHOUGH "CARLING" IS STILL AVAILABLE AT £2.55.

IT SHOULD BE NOTED THAT IT IS APPRECIATED THAT THE SALE OF CARLESBERG AT AN EXTREMELY DISCOUNTED PRICE FOR APPROXIMATELY TWO YEARS COULD NOT CONTINUE INDEFINITELY.
BUT SURLY THE COMPROMISE OF KEEPING THE LAGER AVAILABLE TO PURCHASE AT AN INCREASED PRICE SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE WAY FORWARD!. THIS WOULD HAVE INCREASED PROFITS FOR THE OWNERS BUT SATISFIED THE NEEDS OF THE LOYAL CLIENTELE.

AS A REGULAR CONSUMER OF "CARLESBERG" OVER THE LAST TWO YEARS MY PALATE IS ACCUSTOMED TO THIS PRODUCT, AND I FEEL IT IS WRONG THAT LOYAL CUSTOMERS NOW HAVE TO ADJUST TO THE INFERIOR TATE OF "FOSTERS" OR "CARLING", UNLESS THEY ARE MILLIONAIRES AND CAN AFFORD "PERONI" £ 3.60 A PINT!, OR THE OTHER EXTREMELY STRONG LAGER AVAILABLE.

IT IS A SHAME,BECAUSE THE REFURBISHMENT WHICH IS REPUTED TO HAVE COST £100,000 APPEARS TO BE SUCCESSFUL,ALTHOUGH THE LAY OUT REGARDING THE EXIT TO THE SMOKING AREA IS SOME WHAT STRANGE !.

LET ME END BY STATING THAT MY ANGER AND DISSAPOINMENT ARE NOT AIMED AT THE CURRENT LANDLORD OR HIS STAFF, WHO ARE AND CONTINUE TO DO A FANTASTIC JOB OF SATISFYING THERE CUSTOMERS NEEDS,BUT THE CORPORATE ENTITY WHO OWN THE ESTABLISHMENT WHO DONT GIVE A TOSS FOR THERE LOYAL CUSTOMERS !!

THE DUCK - SERVICE UPDATE

I AM PLEASED TO REPORT THAT THE SERVICE AT THE DUCK HAS BEEN EXCELLENT SINCE THE NEW LANDLORD "GARY" TOOK OVER A NUMBER OF MONTHS AGO.

IT IS PLEASING TO NOTE THAT ONCE AGAIN, A LANDLORD OF THE DUCK HAS ACKNOWLEDGED THAT THE CONSUMPTION COMMITTEE OF THE "DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY" ARE REGULAR CUSTOMERS WHO CONTRIBUTE IN NO SMALL WAY TO THE CASH FLOW OF THE PUB.

THE DAYS OF NOT BEING ACKNOWLEDGED AT THE BAR ARE LONG GONE, AND IT IS GREAT TO BE TREATED AS A "LOCAL" AND HAVE YOUR DRINKS BEING POURED FOR YOU AS YOU APPROACH THE BAR.

A BIG THANK YOU TO GARY AND MOST OF HIS TEAM !!!